A WHITE
HOUSE RESPONSE
The Neal Boortz Show has come into possession of this letter, which speaks for itself
Evidently the White House is responding
to some whiners and complainers who are upset
over the treatment of the Islamic Jihadist detainees at Gitmo in Cuba.
The White
House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC
Dear
Concerned Citizen
Thank you
for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda
detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. My administration takes these
matters seriously, and your opinion was heard and heeded here in Washington.
You will be
please to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, I will be announcing
today the creation of a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called
“Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers,” or LARK.
In
accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one Al Qaeda
terrorist under your personal care. Your very
own personal terrorist detainee has already been selected and will be arriving at your
home under heavy armed guard next Monday. His
name is Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud, but you can just call him Ahmed. He is to be cared for pursuant to the standards
you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment to my office.
It will
likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that
your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those standards you so strongly
recommended in your letter.
Ahmed’s
meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving meals that do not require
utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also,
these should be “one-handed” foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since
he uses that hand to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your
yard). But look on the bright side .. no
increased toilet paper expenses.
Ahmed
generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he
washes his clothes simultaneously. This
should help with your water bill. Also, your
own personal detainee has a terribly bad case of body lice that we have been unable to
completely remedy.
Please heed
the large orange notice attached to your detainee’s portable cage: “Does not
play well with others.” Although Ahmed
is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your liberal sensitivity to what you
described as his “attitudinal problem” will help him overcome these antisocial
character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in
describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
Ahmed will,
given a chance, bit you. We have included a
copy of his latest rabies test, which showed negative results.
We
understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is
extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish a human life with simple
household items such as a pencil or nail clippers. We
suggest that you refrain from asking him to demonstrate these skills for your morning
coffee klatch.
Ahmed is
also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products,
so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend
him.
Ahmed will
not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females
as a subhuman form of property. However, he
will be eager to assist with the education of your sons.
To facilitate this education you may wish to have several copies of the
Q’uran available for his use.
Oh –
and rest assured that Ahmed absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs. Roasted will be fine, but dog-kabob works
perfectly well.
Thanks again
for your letter. We truly appreciate it when
folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We think that watching over each other’s
shoulder is such a good way for people to interact. So,
we will be sending a team of federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your
place of business in the next few days, just to help you do your job better.
Please,
don’t be concerned that our federal observation team has the power to close your
business, seize your property and arrest you for any violation of 4,850,750 laws, codes,
regulations and rules that apply to your profession.
They are really there to help and to make sure you do everything in the proper way.
Thanks again
for this opportunity to interact with such a valued and compassionate member of the
American family. You take good hear of Ahmed,
you hear? And let us know when you think he
is ready to be released into American society.
Very truly
yours, George W. Bush.
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